Thursday, September 6, 2012

Our loss

So, I've wanted to write for a while about our recent loss.
It's hard to tell everyone about it.
Every time I see people they want to know how we're doing, which is great, I understand and appreciate everyone wanting to help and show they care, but after over a month, seeing some people I haven't seen since the loss, it's hard to still have to talk about it, instead of just move on.

I thought it might be nice to explain to everyone 
what we went through, and how, thought it's been the hardest time of our lives,
God has taught us a lot.
Maybe this will help someone else in the future. 
I wish no one had to go through this hard of a loss, but going through this I've heard from so many people about their own personal experience with this situation.
It's such a horrible experience and sad so many people experience it.

(Disclaimer: I will be explaining what happened during my miscarriage, if anyone doesn't want to read about that actual experience (it's a little traumatic) you might want to skip this "WHAT HAPPENED" section down to "AFTERWORDS")


At about 6 1/2 weeks pregnant I started having a tiny bit of bleeding.
It made me SUPER nervous, so I called my doctor who told me that it's very normal for people to have some light bleeding at the beginning of their pregnancy, as long as I wasn't cramping, it was normal.
I asked multiple friends if they had any bleeding while they were pregnant,
most said they did, but it went away and they were ok.
The doctor said if I felt more comfortable I could have my blood drawn, just to make sure my hormones were still rising as they should be.
So, I decided to go in (this was on a Thursday) and get my blood drawn, but I had to wait till Saturday to get it drawn again to make sure it was doubling every 48 hours like it should.
So, I went in again on Saturday and had my blood drawn again. 
But had to wait until Monday to get the results. It was an agonizing few days,
wondering if my baby was ok.
Even though the doctors weren't worried, I knew something wasn't right.

Saturday evening I started having heavy bleeding.
 I went to John and told him that I knew it wasn't ok. He tried to encourage me and say it'll be ok, and told me what I'd told him about how it could be normal, and if I didn't have cramping it'd be ok.
I just hugged him and cried and knew that we had to be losing our baby, I was bleeding too much for everything to be ok.
We tried to just relax and watch tv for the evening, and planned if it wasn't better the next morning we'd go to "Urgent Care". I knew that if I was miscarrying, there's nothing they could do to stop it, and didn't want to rush to the E.R. when I knew they couldn't stop it from happening.

About an hour or two later I went to John, crying. I was starting to get bad cramps. He just hugged me and we both felt so helpless. It's so hard to go through knowing you're losing your baby and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
The rest of the night was extremely painful. Emotionally, we were both drained. Physically, exhausted. I had contractions (I'll never complain about period cramps again, nothing compared to that pain).
I never knew before this that miscarriages are so physically painful as well as emotionally.
We were laying in bed, watching tv to try to distract us for a while. I was in so much pain I couldn't stop tossing and turning. John started to rub my belly, 
which was the only thing that helped relieve some of the pain. 
Once he started rubbing my belly, I finally slept for an hour or two. He stayed up rubbing my belly, knowing that was the only thing that helped me feel less pain.

We woke up Sunday morning, and I went to the bathroom where the tissue came out. I was so traumatized and called John down. We cried again, realizing we had really lost our baby.
It was devastating.
Neither of us have had to go through anything this painful before.


Even though this was extremely hard and traumatic, through the whole thing I never stopped thinking about how God knows His plans for me, and that His way, is the best for me even if it didn't seem good at the time. And even though I didn't understand, I knew God was in control and that comforted me.

(For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.) - Jeremiah 29:11

I was begging He wouldn't take the baby away, but all along thought about Job, 

(The Lord gives, the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord) - Job 1:21

I knew that any child the Lord would give us, would be a gift from Him, but really would be His child, and if He decided to take the baby, I knew He could better care for His child then I could.

The whole experience was extremely painful, but I felt such incredible peace knowing I could trust God.
I am so thankful for that.
I know if I didn't have a strong faith and trust in God this would have been a very different experience. One that would have done a lot more damage in my life and faith.
God knows what I can handle, and knew He would pull me through this.

(No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.) - 1 Cor 10:13

I wish we didn't have to go through this. It's still hard to see pregnant people, or think about what I'd be doing now at this point. I know it'll take a while to really heal. Sometimes I'll feel great, and some days the smallest things make me cry.
I saw a friend the other day, who gave me a hug and just said "We've been praying for you" quietly. That was all they said.. I was thankful for his kind words, but I was grateful for my sunglasses, 
that could hide my few tears before I could compose myself again.

I know that this is a process, and it will take time to heal.
I pray that God will allow us to be parents, when the time is right, and that He will give me peace in that time, not to worry about what could happen then, but to trust in His will.

I know that God has drawn me closer to Him through this time, (and closer to my husband as well). God has really taught me through this to fully rely on Him and know that I cannot rely on myself.

I hope that I was able to really explain that, though I wish I didn't have to go through this, I know that God will use this in my life to do a lot, and has already done a lot through this.

Maybe my testimony about how God brought me through this will be helpful to someone else at another time, I don't know. Just know that, anyone reading this that needs any sort of support, or is/has experienced the same can talk to me.

Thanks to everyone for praying for John and I as we have worked through this difficult time.


  1. Hello, I just read your blog post and Jamie and i went threw this as well at 6 week before we were pregnant with Taryn. At that time i was reading some one elses blog that brought me comfort. she told her story similar to ours and had stated "god cant promise smooth sailing but he always gives you a safe landing" It makes me think of your story and my story and i feel is true. Im sure this blog will help some one else i know i looked for other people that had gone threw what i went threw to comfort me and it did. I think it happens to many women but we don't talk about it because of the hurt but we all look for some one to relate to... Love you.

  2. I love how I have been able to continually look up to you, Hayley. You have always been an example to me even though we don't hang out much. You are an incredibly strong woman. I know that God will use this post to comfort women in the same boat....But I want you to know, that it even comforts me. God is using this already. And the words here have encouraged me. Thank you for opening up your heart, and being vulnerable. It brings glory to God. <3 I love you.